1. Start with not getting enough sleep the night before.
We all know that sleep deprivation (due in part to insomnia and pre-dinner party anxiety) will ensure that, at some point, you (namely me) will experience a mini psychotic break from the fabulous person you (namely me) really are.
2. Sleep in on the day of because of aforementioned reasons above.
Sleeping in late and rushing out of bed not only enhances the overall unkempt mad-scientist appearance and/or Phyllis Diller hair, it also throws your entire schedule out of whack and exacerbates the growing tension coursing through your already anxiety-restricted veins.
3. Forget where you put stuff.
"But, I thought I kept that big pot here in THIS cupboard! Why isn't it here?"
Worse is when you realize you no longer have the big pot because it was taking up so much space in the cupboard that you donated it to the Salvation Army the year before. Now, you have to go out and buy a big pot. And by "you", I mean your husband.
4. Forget to buy enough stuff.
Halfway through cooking you realize that you're missing the final important ingredient:
"OMG, I'm out of SALT???"
Yes. Yes you are. Because you didn't put it on your shopping list the day before.
5. Burn stuff.
You've finally made that delicious Heavenly-smelling chicken Gumbo that is your pride and joy and you forget to turn the heat down to a simmer. because you thought you could multitask a million things at once or because you went on Facebook "for a minute". If you're not skilled in doing too much too fast for whatever reason (and who am I to judge?), then make sure you have a back up plan and ordering pizza may not always be a chic option. Don't forget to breathe,
6. Accidentally let one of the cats out of the room you've locked them in (to keep cat hair out of food) and come to find them on the dining room table sniffing the plates.
Self explanatory, I should think.
7. Drink too much in an effort to settle your nerves while prepping for the party.
I don't think this requires a drawn out debate. Let's just say that we all know that drinking to quell rising panic may turn you (and me, most likely) into an unlikable version of Dean Martin.
8. Allow people to help themselves when you've only made enough portions for precisely the number of people sitting around your dinner table.
Now, there are two remedies for this (and slapping the Greedy Gobbler's hand as they reach for the second or third portion is not one of them, I've been told): You either make enough food for two or three helpings (but who wants all that cooking and all those leftovers?) or you appoint yourself as Gordon Ramsey (without all the cussing) and portion each plate yourself before serving.
9. (a) Argue over politics and controversial hot topics at the dinner table.
No matter how passionate you are about PETA or how much you hate your Prime Minister, unless you are 1) completely sober and 2) able to discuss passionate causes in a light-hearted and witty way, SHUT UP.
(b) Discuss medical ailments and stomach-turning surgeries at the dinner table.
Really. DO. NOT. EVER. Just don't. Nobody wants to visualize spraying blood and bones sticking out of skin while they are eating rare meat.
10. Move from course to course/clear the table at the speed of sound/spend too much time in the kitchen away from your guests.
No one likes to be rushed by a snooty waiter in a nice restaurant so why would your guest want to feel as though they are competing in an Olympic race? I have been both a victim and a perpetrator of such an etiquette breach. I've been to dinner parties where the hostess couldn't clear the table fast enough because she wanted her dining room restored to pre-party order. Within minutes of swallowing the last course, there were no traces of there ever having been a dinner on that table. Whether she couldn't stand the messiness of the food and table setting, I'll never know.
But, it made everyone feel uncomfortable. She was constantly on her feet, in the kitchen, away from her guests. I have been guilty of jumping up and down from the table and washing dishes while my guests are still burping away contentedly over their coffee.
Allow people to linger. Don't rush away from the table like a nutter and hanging out in the kitchen because it makes your guests feel like they're a burden to you.
